Life Experience

This is a short story I wrote a couple of years ago about my true life experience. I wrote this hoping to help someone else or to be a light in the dark.


Love or Fear? Which one are you really feeling? Do you really love him or are you scared to death of trying to leave him? If you leave will you ever find someone to "love" you again? These are the questions I was asking myself a few years ago. Let me take you back to how this all started.
I was 17 my son was 5 months old, I just got my own apartment. I worked at a fast food joint in a very small town. One day I was taking an order from a guy. I caught him looking at me through the door so of course the natural reaction is to smile. I took out his order we talked for just a minute. He started coming to the restaurant pretty regularly. After a couple weeks of flirting we exchanged phone numbers and had our first date. That one date would be the beginning of my journey through Hell.
He came to my apartment one night to eat dinner. My first mistake was inviting him to stay the night. "Oh, it's so late why don't you just stay here. It will be fine." Remember I am 17 and I am thinking " I just got my own apartment and my parents don't control me anymore. I can have whoever stay the night that I want to." Well if I knew then what I was going to learn in 1 year I definitely would not have minded having my parents guidance and control on that one decision. After that one night he never went away.
I didn't mind, my self esteem was so low that I felt like I would never have anyone love me. The first person to come along and show interest and I hold on for life. He moved in completely two weeks later. At first he was great, always very respectful and polite. He even told me to quit my job and he would take care of me and my son. My parents seemed to like him. Six months later things start to get weird. I find pornography hidden all through the house. It wasn't a problem until he was choosing that over time with me. I did get very upset and we fought over it. I thought since we fought about it, it would work itself out. Me being very naive didn't realize some people can lie to your face so good that you never know when your being deceived.
Well I just started ignoring it "out of sight, out of mind." Instead of just letting him go then I held on longer thinking "he'll grow out if it maybe it's just a phase every guy goes through." Soon after that he found a house and we moved. I had never lived that far away from my family. A little time passed and he asked if i wanted to sell my truck to get a better one. Sure that sounds great when you think the new vehicle is for you. No, he sold my truck and got him a nice full sized pickup that I wasn't allowed to drive. He changed so slowly I never really noticed what was going on. He had moved me away from my family, taken a vehicle so I couldn't leave and couldn't get job. I was trapped in my own house.
Our fights started getting physical and more aggressive. He would get in my face I would try and push him back. He weighed about 250 muscle and I was 130 not very tall or strong. This would happen about once or twice a week. I just let it go because i thought everyone fought like that. My parents never did but they didn't fight like we did. I just thought different generations do different things. He would stay out late when I had made plans for us to go out and arranged a babysitter. He would control every little thing I did. People didn't come over much at all. I wasn't ever allowed to drive. The end of our relationship couldn't have come soon enough. The first time I left him he had thrown a cell phone at me and bruised the majority of both my upper thighs and banged my head into the kitchen cabinet. I called home finally and asked for help.
Mom, Dad and my two cousins came to move my stuff out. He hid in the bedroom. I was out and not knowing what to do next. I hadn't worked in a year and had physical and emotional problems up to my eyes. That's not the end yet. I was stupid and about 2 months later started talking to him again. He apologized and of course I went back. I did get a car to drive and started working with him. Things once again seemed normal at first. One night it started back. This time I knew what was about to happen. I thought on it a couple of days with out saying anything to him. I called mom one morning and asked her if i could come home yet again. She said yes and they came to help again. This time was different. All the utilities were in my name so I got even and shut them off while he was working that day. He came home to no phone, water or lights. He called when he realized what I did and threatened to slit my throat next time he saw me. I didn't know what to think. I knew he really would and I was terrified.
A long time passed I was now working and trying to turn my life around. He calls me one night saying he had changed for real this time. We talked on the phone for a few weeks and I truly thought once again that he was serious. I went to see him at the motel where he was staying. I thought since I drove over there nothing could happen I would just leave if I got scared. While i was there in a matter of minutes the mood went from hi, how are you to horrific. All of a sudden he was crying and upset trying to kill himself. I don't remember the sequence in which things happened. At one point I was pinned to the bed with his knee in my back and a knife to back of my throat. I was so scared. I tried to call for help, he noticed and grabbed my phone. He took off across the parking lot and threw my phone over the fence in front of the motel. He came at me ready to kill me. Here's the sad part, there were people out watching and calling out vulgarities at me. I screamed for help and they just laughed. I'm not sure how it stopped but suddenly it did. He went and got my phone and I did get to leave. You would think that I would have been smart enough not to go see him but for some reason I was truly thinking that we might get together and be happy.
This story was meant to show how controlling and manipulative men can destroy one persons life over and over. They will say anything and do anything to get you back. To this day I am still terrified of him. He honestly made me believe every time I went back he had changed but people that terrible don't change over night. I do realize that now. I do not regret my experience for I learned how to respect myself. I learned what's not okay and what I don't want to live with.