This is a short story I wrote a couple of years ago about my true life experience. I wrote this hoping to help someone else or to be a light in the dark.
Love or Fear? Which one are you really feeling? Do you really love him or are you scared to death of trying to leave him? If you leave will you ever find someone to "love" you again? These are the questions I was asking myself a few years ago. Let me take you back to how this all started.
I was 17 my son was 5 months old, I just got my own apartment. I worked at a fast food joint in a very small town. One day I was taking an order from a guy. I caught him looking at me through the door so of course the natural reaction is to smile. I took out his order we talked for just a minute. He started coming to the restaurant pretty regularly. After a couple weeks of flirting we exchanged phone numbers and had our first date. That one date would be the beginning of my journey through Hell.
He came to my apartment one night to eat dinner. My first mistake was inviting him to stay the night. "Oh, it's so late why don't you just stay here. It will be fine." Remember I am 17 and I am thinking " I just got my own apartment and my parents don't control me anymore. I can have whoever stay the night that I want to." Well if I knew then what I was going to learn in 1 year I definitely would not have minded having my parents guidance and control on that one decision. After that one night he never went away.
I didn't mind, my self esteem was so low that I felt like I would never have anyone love me. The first person to come along and show interest and I hold on for life. He moved in completely two weeks later. At first he was great, always very respectful and polite. He even told me to quit my job and he would take care of me and my son. My parents seemed to like him. Six months later things start to get weird. I find pornography hidden all through the house. It wasn't a problem until he was choosing that over time with me. I did get very upset and we fought over it. I thought since we fought about it, it would work itself out. Me being very naive didn't realize some people can lie to your face so good that you never know when your being deceived.
Well I just started ignoring it "out of sight, out of mind." Instead of just letting him go then I held on longer thinking "he'll grow out if it maybe it's just a phase every guy goes through." Soon after that he found a house and we moved. I had never lived that far away from my family. A little time passed and he asked if i wanted to sell my truck to get a better one. Sure that sounds great when you think the new vehicle is for you. No, he sold my truck and got him a nice full sized pickup that I wasn't allowed to drive. He changed so slowly I never really noticed what was going on. He had moved me away from my family, taken a vehicle so I couldn't leave and couldn't get job. I was trapped in my own house.
Our fights started getting physical and more aggressive. He would get in my face I would try and push him back. He weighed about 250 muscle and I was 130 not very tall or strong. This would happen about once or twice a week. I just let it go because i thought everyone fought like that. My parents never did but they didn't fight like we did. I just thought different generations do different things. He would stay out late when I had made plans for us to go out and arranged a babysitter. He would control every little thing I did. People didn't come over much at all. I wasn't ever allowed to drive. The end of our relationship couldn't have come soon enough. The first time I left him he had thrown a cell phone at me and bruised the majority of both my upper thighs and banged my head into the kitchen cabinet. I called home finally and asked for help.
Mom, Dad and my two cousins came to move my stuff out. He hid in the bedroom. I was out and not knowing what to do next. I hadn't worked in a year and had physical and emotional problems up to my eyes. That's not the end yet. I was stupid and about 2 months later started talking to him again. He apologized and of course I went back. I did get a car to drive and started working with him. Things once again seemed normal at first. One night it started back. This time I knew what was about to happen. I thought on it a couple of days with out saying anything to him. I called mom one morning and asked her if i could come home yet again. She said yes and they came to help again. This time was different. All the utilities were in my name so I got even and shut them off while he was working that day. He came home to no phone, water or lights. He called when he realized what I did and threatened to slit my throat next time he saw me. I didn't know what to think. I knew he really would and I was terrified.
A long time passed I was now working and trying to turn my life around. He calls me one night saying he had changed for real this time. We talked on the phone for a few weeks and I truly thought once again that he was serious. I went to see him at the motel where he was staying. I thought since I drove over there nothing could happen I would just leave if I got scared. While i was there in a matter of minutes the mood went from hi, how are you to horrific. All of a sudden he was crying and upset trying to kill himself. I don't remember the sequence in which things happened. At one point I was pinned to the bed with his knee in my back and a knife to back of my throat. I was so scared. I tried to call for help, he noticed and grabbed my phone. He took off across the parking lot and threw my phone over the fence in front of the motel. He came at me ready to kill me. Here's the sad part, there were people out watching and calling out vulgarities at me. I screamed for help and they just laughed. I'm not sure how it stopped but suddenly it did. He went and got my phone and I did get to leave. You would think that I would have been smart enough not to go see him but for some reason I was truly thinking that we might get together and be happy.
This story was meant to show how controlling and manipulative men can destroy one persons life over and over. They will say anything and do anything to get you back. To this day I am still terrified of him. He honestly made me believe every time I went back he had changed but people that terrible don't change over night. I do realize that now. I do not regret my experience for I learned how to respect myself. I learned what's not okay and what I don't want to live with.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Adventures: Day 7
I have several different things/thoughts I'd like to write about today. They are very different from each other.
First, I want to make mention that I do not consider myself to be part of any certain religion. Each one has it's own rules or regulations that you must conform to or they say you are going to Hell. I grew up Baptist. That was the preferred religion of my family at that time. I remember all the arguments about anything and everything. I remember all the rules and demands and then the judgemental comments. I grew up believing that speaking in tongues was not of God. It was considered a showboat act just to get attention. I grew up believing that women could not be preachers or teachers or have any kind of role in the church. I grew up believing that God would punish you if you made a mistake. Needless to say after some things happened in my life I quit going to a Baptist church. I started having different beliefs, different opinions on things. I married in 2006 and my husband was raised in an Assembly of God church. I guess that's pentecostal not sure exactly. I told him before we got married "I'll never go to that kind of church." Well after searching for a home church where did we land? Assembly of God. I absolutely loved that church for a season. We did stop attending because of political issues among the people. It still just didn't feel quite right. My mother had started a Bible study per my husbands request so we just started saying that was church. Afterall, church is not a building it's the people. Now I just consider myself Christian. If you look up the word Christian it simply means Christ-like, one who professes belief in the teachings of Jesus Christ. Isn't that the goal anyways? Aren't we supposed to be as much like Christ as we can? I do realize that we will never be the perfect Christian without sin or blame. If that were possible Jesus died in vain, without cause. We do however strive for this perfection as it brings us closer to God and we get a more intimate relationship with Him. Our relationship with Jesus should be the same kind we have with our physical friends. We should "call" Him often. We should go to Him to vent our anger. We should take His advice and use it. We strive for a blameless life if we have Christ centered in our hearts and minds. Let me explain. Blameless is not the same as sinless. Blameless means to be found without blame. If you sin out of reaction it's not the same as planning an active sin. Does that make sense? Here's an example-If I stump my toe and say something that Jesus wouldn't say it's not the same as sitting down and planning out a sentence with cursings in it. Our goal is to be found blameless, not sinless. I'm not saying that would make us perfect. I'm just stating the difference between the two words. I believe I'm living the best life I can right now for God. I do not do anything without consulting my Father first. He always has the best answer and solution to my worries.
Second, Does anyone ever wonder what their purpose on earth is? Have you ever been in a place in your life where you ask "what am I doing?" I have always believed we were all created for a purpose, a reason, a meaning, whether it be big or small. The Bible says The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever— do not abandon the works of your hands. Psalms 138:8. You can look up the word purpose on Biblegateway and it lists a few of these verses. That is proof enough that God had a unique plan all along for me. It has taken me years to find that purpose but I do know what it is. I realized just the other day that had God shown me my purpose earlier I would not have been at a place to fully utilize and perform it. God uses the waiting time to prepare us, to strengthen us and build our faith to a point that we are then strong enough to carry out His desire and plan. It's just like teaching a baby to walk. You don't just stand him up on the floor and say "go." First they learn to sit, then stand and then they walk. It's just like that with us and God. He isn't going to drop a big huge task on us without training and preparation. If you are searching for your purpose the best way to find it is an open communication with God, daily. You have to make time for God or you won't notice when He speaks.
I guess that's everything on my mind today. I'm thankful that I'm on this adventure with God learning new things daily. I have learned more in the last few months than I have my entire life going to church. I have learned how to use my faith and God's word in a proactive way. I have learned the different ways to listen to God. I'm so grateful for my family and God bringing us all together for Him.
First, I want to make mention that I do not consider myself to be part of any certain religion. Each one has it's own rules or regulations that you must conform to or they say you are going to Hell. I grew up Baptist. That was the preferred religion of my family at that time. I remember all the arguments about anything and everything. I remember all the rules and demands and then the judgemental comments. I grew up believing that speaking in tongues was not of God. It was considered a showboat act just to get attention. I grew up believing that women could not be preachers or teachers or have any kind of role in the church. I grew up believing that God would punish you if you made a mistake. Needless to say after some things happened in my life I quit going to a Baptist church. I started having different beliefs, different opinions on things. I married in 2006 and my husband was raised in an Assembly of God church. I guess that's pentecostal not sure exactly. I told him before we got married "I'll never go to that kind of church." Well after searching for a home church where did we land? Assembly of God. I absolutely loved that church for a season. We did stop attending because of political issues among the people. It still just didn't feel quite right. My mother had started a Bible study per my husbands request so we just started saying that was church. Afterall, church is not a building it's the people. Now I just consider myself Christian. If you look up the word Christian it simply means Christ-like, one who professes belief in the teachings of Jesus Christ. Isn't that the goal anyways? Aren't we supposed to be as much like Christ as we can? I do realize that we will never be the perfect Christian without sin or blame. If that were possible Jesus died in vain, without cause. We do however strive for this perfection as it brings us closer to God and we get a more intimate relationship with Him. Our relationship with Jesus should be the same kind we have with our physical friends. We should "call" Him often. We should go to Him to vent our anger. We should take His advice and use it. We strive for a blameless life if we have Christ centered in our hearts and minds. Let me explain. Blameless is not the same as sinless. Blameless means to be found without blame. If you sin out of reaction it's not the same as planning an active sin. Does that make sense? Here's an example-If I stump my toe and say something that Jesus wouldn't say it's not the same as sitting down and planning out a sentence with cursings in it. Our goal is to be found blameless, not sinless. I'm not saying that would make us perfect. I'm just stating the difference between the two words. I believe I'm living the best life I can right now for God. I do not do anything without consulting my Father first. He always has the best answer and solution to my worries.
Second, Does anyone ever wonder what their purpose on earth is? Have you ever been in a place in your life where you ask "what am I doing?" I have always believed we were all created for a purpose, a reason, a meaning, whether it be big or small. The Bible says The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever— do not abandon the works of your hands. Psalms 138:8. You can look up the word purpose on Biblegateway and it lists a few of these verses. That is proof enough that God had a unique plan all along for me. It has taken me years to find that purpose but I do know what it is. I realized just the other day that had God shown me my purpose earlier I would not have been at a place to fully utilize and perform it. God uses the waiting time to prepare us, to strengthen us and build our faith to a point that we are then strong enough to carry out His desire and plan. It's just like teaching a baby to walk. You don't just stand him up on the floor and say "go." First they learn to sit, then stand and then they walk. It's just like that with us and God. He isn't going to drop a big huge task on us without training and preparation. If you are searching for your purpose the best way to find it is an open communication with God, daily. You have to make time for God or you won't notice when He speaks.
I guess that's everything on my mind today. I'm thankful that I'm on this adventure with God learning new things daily. I have learned more in the last few months than I have my entire life going to church. I have learned how to use my faith and God's word in a proactive way. I have learned the different ways to listen to God. I'm so grateful for my family and God bringing us all together for Him.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Adventures: Day 6
It's been awhile since my last post...... I have learned many things over the last few months........ The most important thing is don't ever tell God "NO." I don't have alot of scriptures today just a lesson from experience I'd really like to share. I pray and hope that this is somehow helpful to someone going the same thing or something similar.
This started on June 20, 2009. I made a decision to sin. I say I made the decision because some sin is not reactive. It's just plain active because we chose to do it knowing it was a bad idea. When we chose to openly sin and be hypocritical there will be consequences. One bad choice can turn your whole world upside down. Did you know that satan can use one thought you act on and ruin your life if you allow it? I found out the hard way. Up until June 20 I had been trying to build a ministry that God laid on my heart. I worked so hard and loved it so much. I knew this was the calling for my life, my purpose, my unique plan from God. I told everyone I could about it. I was so glad that God was using me for something awesome.
After that bad decision, satan started using it against me.... "Look at what you did, no one will ever take you seriously, who do you think you are? You are not good enough to do things for God." This went on for days until I finally said "That's right, God didn't want me to do this, really, do I honestly think that God would really use me for something great?" I was so defeated and oppressed I couldn't see straight. I just knew that God was mad at me so I quit talking to Him. I knew He was there but I didn't "feel" worthy enough to even speak His name or tell anyone about it Him. Well, satan had won, and I was just letting him have the best of me. I hated my life for so long after that. I didn't want to be around people, I was ashamed of myself for calling myself a Christian knowing that I had messed up. We quit going to church because I had no desire for God anymore. We were still going to Bible Study at my mother's house but I wasn't learning anything. I was so consumed with my sin and guilt that I didn't receive the lesson. All this went on until September 11, 2009, my birthday. We went out dancing and I got caught up in sin yet again, basically telling God no again. I was determined not to work for God because I felt and thought that He didn't want me too. How foolish of me to believe that. How foolish to think that God just put me on earth to mess up and be miserable the rest of my life.
I finally had to just cry out to God and I begged for His grace and mercy constantly. For two weeks I had been constantly talking to God, crying out, you could say I was just lost and could only see Him. I'm saying all this hoping this somehow encourages you to reach out to God the most when you think He's not there. He has been the only one to lift me up out of my dark depression and lonliness.
September 27, 2009 God got a hold on me that I can't shake off. That day was a sunday. I don't know exactly what it was that day other than God but I can feel the peace and joy again that I once had. I know that satan just had an awful grasp on me pulling me down so far I couldn't do anything. The one thing I have that worked is prayer. When you think you can't go on or you don't want to, call to God. He is already there with the solution waiting to give it to you. You have to ask for it and accept it. God wants all of His children to be happy and work for him. This verse, Jeremiah 29:11 is proof!! Sometimes when life is just going by without direction or umphf God is calling us to just be still and listen. Sometimes He just wants us to grow in Him and draw strength. John 10:10 Please read this verse and believe it with everything you have!!!
I don't know who all this lesson is for but I do pray that someone can benefit from it.
This started on June 20, 2009. I made a decision to sin. I say I made the decision because some sin is not reactive. It's just plain active because we chose to do it knowing it was a bad idea. When we chose to openly sin and be hypocritical there will be consequences. One bad choice can turn your whole world upside down. Did you know that satan can use one thought you act on and ruin your life if you allow it? I found out the hard way. Up until June 20 I had been trying to build a ministry that God laid on my heart. I worked so hard and loved it so much. I knew this was the calling for my life, my purpose, my unique plan from God. I told everyone I could about it. I was so glad that God was using me for something awesome.
After that bad decision, satan started using it against me.... "Look at what you did, no one will ever take you seriously, who do you think you are? You are not good enough to do things for God." This went on for days until I finally said "That's right, God didn't want me to do this, really, do I honestly think that God would really use me for something great?" I was so defeated and oppressed I couldn't see straight. I just knew that God was mad at me so I quit talking to Him. I knew He was there but I didn't "feel" worthy enough to even speak His name or tell anyone about it Him. Well, satan had won, and I was just letting him have the best of me. I hated my life for so long after that. I didn't want to be around people, I was ashamed of myself for calling myself a Christian knowing that I had messed up. We quit going to church because I had no desire for God anymore. We were still going to Bible Study at my mother's house but I wasn't learning anything. I was so consumed with my sin and guilt that I didn't receive the lesson. All this went on until September 11, 2009, my birthday. We went out dancing and I got caught up in sin yet again, basically telling God no again. I was determined not to work for God because I felt and thought that He didn't want me too. How foolish of me to believe that. How foolish to think that God just put me on earth to mess up and be miserable the rest of my life.
I finally had to just cry out to God and I begged for His grace and mercy constantly. For two weeks I had been constantly talking to God, crying out, you could say I was just lost and could only see Him. I'm saying all this hoping this somehow encourages you to reach out to God the most when you think He's not there. He has been the only one to lift me up out of my dark depression and lonliness.
September 27, 2009 God got a hold on me that I can't shake off. That day was a sunday. I don't know exactly what it was that day other than God but I can feel the peace and joy again that I once had. I know that satan just had an awful grasp on me pulling me down so far I couldn't do anything. The one thing I have that worked is prayer. When you think you can't go on or you don't want to, call to God. He is already there with the solution waiting to give it to you. You have to ask for it and accept it. God wants all of His children to be happy and work for him. This verse, Jeremiah 29:11 is proof!! Sometimes when life is just going by without direction or umphf God is calling us to just be still and listen. Sometimes He just wants us to grow in Him and draw strength. John 10:10 Please read this verse and believe it with everything you have!!!
I don't know who all this lesson is for but I do pray that someone can benefit from it.
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